he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
