I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
