I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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