That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
