just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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