my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I want to fling myself into the sun
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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