I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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