No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
