we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
