Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Did I show you my penis last night?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
