i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
