They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
