wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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