Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
