Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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