I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
