You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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