If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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