You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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