That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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