My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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