we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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