but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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