Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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