Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
