onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
