He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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