I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
