Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
