Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
