I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
