never play flip cup with pint glasses
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
