So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
