Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
