i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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