i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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