My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
