I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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