I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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