He passed out mid-signature
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just invented taco cereal.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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