She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
