even my farts smell like vagina
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
