I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
