if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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