Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
