my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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