If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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