I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
