addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
