I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
